And it's time to fucking do something about it. The first thing I need to do is stop lying to myself, and start de-bunking some myths that I have created to convince myself that my lifestyle is not contributing AT ALL to my fatassery.
Myth #1. Vodka has little to no calories. How can something that's clear be all that bad for me?
Truth: Vodka is awesome. In moderation. Three beer-mug size martinis with 45 olives a night is never a good idea. Also, getting smashed around 4:30 and then eating 3 helpings of dinner isn't a good idea either. No more vodka during the week. AT ALL. I can't abide by the rule of "I'll just have one," because I have the willpower of Charlie Sheen in a whorehouse. The weeknight binging is officially coming to an end. Tomorrow. OK, tonite. I could feel an intervention coming on, so if you are one who was involved, just back the fuck off. I'm clean now.
Myth #2. I work out a TON. I should be losing weight.
Truth. I do work out a ton. However, there is a simple math equation that can prove that even though I do work out 1 ton, I eat 4 tons. If I burn 500 extra calories a day but take in 2000 extra, I will inevitably gain. Calories in/Calories out. It's a simple fact that has been proven by science. Solution: continue working out, but cut back to 1500 calories per day. Goal: a weight loss of 2 pounds per week. That puts me at goal weight on April 1st. Just in time for my month vaca in Florida where I will gain it all back by consuming immeasurable amounts of Barbeque. No, cannot do that, will have worked too hard to be skinny. Will not gain all weight back on vaca.
Myth #3. I must have hypothyroidism, I have all the symptoms!
Truth: Shut the fuck up. Hypothyroidism is an excuse fat people use. The only symptoms I see are muffin top, fat arms, and moon face. Solution: stop being a fucking hog at the dinner table and run faster.
I can do it. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Except lobster.
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