I am a hypochondriac. I fucking love google. Where else can you list like 12 random symptoms and find out without a doubt that you have rectal cancer, celiac disease, AND multiple sclerosis? And my insanity doesn't stop with me.
I have diagnosed my children with Lesch-Nyhan syndrome, Cystic Fibrosis, and a multitude of autism spectrum disorders. Why? I have no fucking idea. I blame the many mental diseases I may or may not have inherited from my extended family......
So anyway, I know my ass is messed up. I blame it on having kids. I have suspected I have hemhorroids, but haven't been entirely convinced since I am not able to view them, as most of my pain in my ass is INSIDE. So I got to see my doctor on Monday. The following is a quick email I shot off to my sister in law, as well as some of my close friends who I knew would take pleasure in my suffering......
So I get this pain in my butt, like literally- ass hurting. Go to doctor who I can't tolerate anyway because I know that SHE knows I am a hypochondriac and tell her about pain in ass. She pokes around in there for a minute, then sticks some torture device up there called an anoscope. Tells me word for word "that looks like a hemmorhoid, but it's up too far, so I think you need to see a surgeon."
Awesome. Spend nite thinking I have anal cancer, drill Jeff on importance of ignoring colostomy bag and focusing on "our love" and threatening him into marrying someone who loves our kids "as much or maybe a little less" than me.
Wake up this morning, google "what kind of clothes to wear with colostomy bag" and "how much does hospice REALLY cost?" and go to surgeon. Lucky me, they have a cancellation and I get in a half hour early. Because, you know I went early to try to read the "oh poor woman she is going to die" face on the receptionists and/or nurses. Am whisked into room with many many clean instruments lying on prep table. "oh, those are NOT for you, they were for the one who cancelled." Double awesome.
Bend over, am violated by another anoscope by very competent surgeon. He looks up there and says "WOW! you have some hemmorhoids. But what you DON'T have is cancer. I am gonna band one of these, and have you come back in a month to do the other. Everything else looks awesome. That's what you get for having kids with big heads."
WOW. no cancer. No people in the back of the funeral home at my wake whispering "she must have taken it up the ass, like, her whole life!"
Anyway, I am glad I am not dying, and although I feel like I just got fucked in the ass by the entire collegiate football conference, I am pretty damn happy. Just thought I'd share because if this happened to someone I knew, I'd be fucking DYING laughing.
happy 1/11/11
Wake up this morning, google "what kind of clothes to wear with colostomy bag" and "how much does hospice REALLY cost?" and go to surgeon. Lucky me, they have a cancellation and I get in a half hour early. Because, you know I went early to try to read the "oh poor woman she is going to die" face on the receptionists and/or nurses. Am whisked into room with many many clean instruments lying on prep table. "oh, those are NOT for you, they were for the one who cancelled." Double awesome.
Bend over, am violated by another anoscope by very competent surgeon. He looks up there and says "WOW! you have some hemmorhoids. But what you DON'T have is cancer. I am gonna band one of these, and have you come back in a month to do the other. Everything else looks awesome. That's what you get for having kids with big heads."
WOW. no cancer. No people in the back of the funeral home at my wake whispering "she must have taken it up the ass, like, her whole life!"
Anyway, I am glad I am not dying, and although I feel like I just got fucked in the ass by the entire collegiate football conference, I am pretty damn happy. Just thought I'd share because if this happened to someone I knew, I'd be fucking DYING laughing.
happy 1/11/11
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